How to Find the Perfect Roommate — Without Ruining a Friendship

By Ella Shauman

When it comes to college housing, one of the biggest decisions you’ll make is choosing who you’ll live with. At first glance, the obvious choice might be a close friend. After all, you already know each other well, you’ve got inside jokes, and you trust them. What could go wrong?

The truth is, living with someone, especially your best friend, isn’t the same as hanging out with them. Sharing a space brings new challenges, from cleaning responsibilities to sleep schedules, and even the strongest friendships can get rocky if expectations aren’t clear. Luckily, it’s possible to find the perfect roommate without destroying a friendship in the process.

Start with Honest Conversations

If you’re considering rooming with a friend, the first step is honesty. Sit down before committing and talk openly about habits, expectations, and deal-breakers. Some questions to ask:

● Are you a morning person or a night owl?
● What’s your study routine like?
● How often do you like to have guests over?
● What’s your approach to cleaning shared spaces?

These conversations may feel a little awkward, but they’re necessary. The more transparent you are from the start, the fewer surprises (and frustrations) you’ll face later.

Don’t Assume You’re Compatible Just Because You’re Close

Being best friends doesn’t always mean you’re great roommates. Maybe you love spending time together, but have completely different lifestyles. For example, your friend may like blasting music at midnight to unwind, while you prefer peace and quiet after 10 p.m. Or maybe one of you is extremely neat while the other is more laid-back about clutter.

If your differences feel like potential deal-breakers, it doesn’t mean you can’t be friends; it just means you may not be the best match for living together. And that’s okay. Sometimes, saving the friendship means not sharing a lease.

Establish Boundaries Early

Even if you and your friend decide to live together, setting boundaries is essential. Talk through topics like

● Personal Space: Is it okay to borrow clothes, food, or other belongings?
● Guests: How often is too often for visitors or partners staying over?
● Shared Expenses: Will you split groceries or keep food separate? What about utilities or streaming subscriptions?
● Cleaning: Who’s responsible for what, and how often should chores get done?

Having clear boundaries prevents miscommunication and resentment. You’ll thank yourselves later for hashing these things out before move-in day.

Use Roommate Agreements

It might sound formal, but writing down a roommate agreement can be a lifesaver. This doesn’t have to be complicated, just a document outlining expectations for cleaning, noise, guests, bills, and personal space. Both of you can agree on it, sign it, and keep it handy.

Having a written agreement means you have something to reference if conflicts arise. It keeps disagreements from feeling personal and instead frames them as issues to be solved collaboratively.

Keep Your Social Life Separate

One of the biggest pitfalls of living with a friend is spending too much time together. If your friend is your roommate, study buddy, and weekend hangout partner, you may start to feel smothered or, worse, resentful.

Make an effort to maintain separate social circles and activities. Encourage each other to spend time with other friends or join clubs independently. Having a little breathing room makes your time together more enjoyable and prevents burnout in the friendship.

Be Ready to Compromise

No roommate situation will ever be perfect. Even if you and your friend are very compatible, there will be times when you need to compromise. Maybe they’ll have to tolerate your late-night study sessions, and you’ll have to deal with their early alarms.

The key is balance. As long as both of you are willing to bend sometimes, you’ll be able to navigate challenges without letting resentment build.

What If It Doesn’t Work Out?

Despite your best efforts, sometimes living with a friend just doesn’t go smoothly. If conflicts arise, address them directly and calmly rather than letting tension fester. Focus on the issue (like dirty dishes or unpaid bills), not the person.

If the situation becomes unbearable, it doesn’t mean the friendship is doomed. Sometimes, moving out is the healthiest choice. Be honest with each other, acknowledge the effort you both put in, and focus on repairing the friendship outside of the shared living space.

Finding Alternatives

If you decide not to live with your friend, or if things don’t work out, there are plenty of other ways to find a good roommate. Many schools offer housing groups, bulletin boards, or online forums for students seeking roommates. Social media can also be a helpful tool.

When searching for a non-friend roommate, treat it like a job interview: ask about schedules, cleaning habits, and lifestyle preferences. The goal is to find someone whose daily rhythm complements yours, even if you aren’t best friends. Sometimes, living with an acquaintance or stranger is easier because you’re more likely to keep boundaries intact.

Living with a friend can be a dream or a disaster. The difference comes down to communication, boundaries, and realistic expectations. Before you decide to share a room or apartment with your bestie, take time to talk honestly about what daily life will look like.

Remember: friendships are valuable, and preserving them is more important than splitting rent. Whether you end up living with your close friend, another classmate, or someone new entirely, the key is finding a balance that makes your living situation and your relationships healthy and sustainable.